Sigil of Motif (rare)

• +2 to disguise, if you are attempting to pass for 20 years older than you are
• Stacks with Cape of fvwm

Warhammer of cfdisk (common)

• Cannot be dodged
• Roll 1d10. On critical fail, smash yourself with warhammer for 5d4 damage.

Tomb “Wiki of Arch” (common):

• “Just read the wiki”: By reading the wiki you gain +2 wisdom
• "everything you need to know is in the wiki": Merchants increase the price of armour if you misread the wiki
• "Installation Guide": Gain 5 speed, reduce your weapon slots to 1, increase armour by 1

=> Brand o' The Wiki:
   After 100 hours in the wiki, every
   hundred words uttered must
   either include RTFM or the
   acronym of this debuff. Wears
   off when near natural vegetation

The blessing of selhosting

Your pursuit for digital soverignity has come to an end

• Server maintenance: lose one bonus action per round
• Media server of pirated movies: gain one random spell roll at the start of your turn when in combat
• Tales of docker: Frighten a creature for 2 rounds, but lose 1 Charisma for 10 rounds
• Tailscale: spend an action point to access your camp chest from anywhere

Blue fedora (uncommon)

• +10 armor
• +5 speed

Wand of btrfs (epic)

• snapshot: saves your current inventory
• restore (passive): on death restotes your inventory to a state saved by the snapshot spell

Ring of gnomes (common)

• summons up to 3 gnomes when health is below 10%

AURild of Greenmeadow (Weaponsmith, uncommon):

• roll a dice D6, 1-3 results in sword.bin 4-6 results in sword.git
• sword.bin gives 1 additional attack in your turn
• sword.git can be used after your second turn, but has damage +3
• everytime you visit Aurild: if you haven’t equipped “Tomb Wiki of Arch” get confused by oversupply (-1 wisdom), else gain 3 wisdom

I might be displaying my ignorance of TTRPG systems, my Linux distro and my window manager, but here we go!

Arch Linux [uncommon armor]

• manual installation process — +2 WIS
• Arch Wiki — +2 on arcana checks
• AUR — +1 DEX
• system update — after every long rest, roll a d20. on a nat 1, you have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws until the next long rest.
• I use Arch btw — +2 on persuasion checks against people who use this same armor

Customized Hyprland [rare armor, attunement]

• attunement prerequisite: once every long rest, roll arcana with DC 25. must succeed thrice
• unlimited customization — when attuned, +2 CHA
• perpetually under construction — regardless of attunement, -1 DEX

Customized Neovim [rare weapon, attunement]

• attunement prerequisite: once every long rest, roll arcana with DC 25. must succeed thrice
• unlimited customization — when attuned, +2 to attack rolls
• learning cliff — disadvantage to attack rolls when not attuned to this weapon
• I use (neo)vi(m) — regardless of attunement, +2 on persuasion checks against people who use a similar weapon to this one (DM discretion)

Ventoy USB [uncommon accessory]

• various installation media — +1 CON

EDIT: formatting

Bowl of Rice (uncommon, consumable)
=> Funroll loop: When eaten,
   options apply for ten turns
=> Config hell: User is a survivor
   of config hell. -2 dexterity and
   +1 int until the next rest.
   Attunement-based items
   increase stat options by +1
   each in exchange for -2 CON each.
=> Screenshot: +1 CHA when a
   photograph is taken
=> Form over function: User is drawn
   to rainbow pastel. -2 on WIS checks

Void heart (rare)

• counters charm of systemd
• sanity decreases with time
• +2 con

Charm of Kingsoul (rare):
=> No cost too great:
   User mana slowly refills
   while using an
   uncommon init system.
   Buffs from charm of
   systemd become negative.
=> No mind to think: Charm
   uses 5 inventory slots, but
   gives +1 WIS on wisdom saves
=> No will to break: User can
   choose to sacrifice charm
   and obtain Void Heart.

I have [Ancient] Debian Armor and a GNOME as my companion. I often equip the Tor Browser Cloak of Invisibility. If slain, I will drop a Locked KeePassXC Database Chest. After completing the mission Revive bricked Linux system, I was awarded with the [Rare] Ego Potion. When drunk, it boosts all stats temporarily during a battle.

Quest: Kali Bandits

The Kali have been terrorizing villages across Linuxia. I beg you, young traveler, help us fight them off. I’ll reward you with riches beyond compare!

Objective: Protect the village from the Kali bandits.

Reward: +500 gold

For some reason, I cannot git ye shell. All my attempts to bash my way through anything fail miserably as well.

This weird Grub on a boot keeps showing up and blocking my path.

Fuck this game >:(

Common Debian Swirl

Adds stability buff but forces user to wait 4 turns before enhancing any item, weapon or spell.

Tumbleweed (common)

Just a weed, a rolling shrubbery, non-evil.

Wait, is this within unix surrealism universe?

Anyways, my trusty usb cable wired to a 9" nail in my forehead can interact and even fix most drivers.

• Armour class: Apparmor (common)
  • App confinement (+1 defence against app security issues)
• Glamour: Breezy plasma (common)
• Jewellery: Snappy apps (common)
  • Rolling release apps with a stable base
  • Ability to use multiple versions of any snappy app simultaneously

• Food item: Nix Flakes (rare)

  • +10 health per flake

  • + Contains a large amount of packages when combined with Nixpkgs (uncommon)

  • + Reproducible: farm it yourself!

  • - Each flake takes between 5 seconds and 2 hours to compile and take effect

  • - Requires good internet connection

  • - Significantly slows down NixOS dotfile spells.

• Weapon: Neovim Lua Gun (uncommon)

  • +144 damage

  • + Rewrite config files

  • - Can only activate weapon once. Afterwards, you’re stuck using it forever.

  • - Requires XP level 1337 to be used efficiently

• Weapon: NixOS USB (uncommon)

  • + Makes computer unusable for any sane person

  • + Reproducible: install any system you want and then replace it with another one for fun

  • - Most people in Linuxia are not sane so this weapon is rarely effective

• Spell: NixOS dotfiles (rare)

  • rm -rf ./.git: self-destruct: deals +infinity damage to the user, +169 damage to nearby enemies.

  • cat flake.nix: Ejects what is effectively a zip bomb. Cannot be used twice against the same enemy. Deals +196 damage to nearby enemies.

  • nixos-rebuild …: Refreshes stamina, +5 health to the user. If used incorrectly, will cause a random negative effect, but never fatal. Requires waiting for 15 seconds, unless Nix Flakes were recently used, then it requires at least 2 hours of waiting.

• Armor: SDDM (common)

  • +40 charisma

  • +20 defense

  • +10 health

  • - Buggy sometimes

• Accessory: Waybar Crown (uncommon)

  • +120 charisma

  • +5 health

  • + People will ask you for your dotfiles

Edit: fixed formatting

Edit 2: slightly cooler names and abilities

I buy a new house. Everything looks great, I move in, go to bed. The next morning my hot water doesn’t work. The house’s documentation doesn’t cover this, so I go online. When I ask for help on forums people tell me to RTFM and call it a skill issue. I end up finding 500 different ways of fixing the hot water, filter through the 499 that don’t apply to my particular build. When I’m done the cold water doesn’t work either. I decide I’ll fix it later and head to the front door to go to work. It won’t open. Something I did trying to fix the water broke it somehow. I give up and just use the windows instead.

Curse of NixOS

Immutable Distro - When making a roll, if the previous roll did not use this feature, you may use the dice value of the last roll you made.

Highly Configurable - You can swap one piece of equipment per turn as a free action.

Flake or Vanilla? - You must succeed on a DC 20 WIS save once every hour or be compelled to spend that hour respeccing your equipment loadout and retraining your skills, in an attempt to achieve the elusive state known as “best practice”.

Custom kernel (Accessory, rare):

• Must be crafted by the owner and cannot be sold, given away, or otherwise transferred. Sometimes explodes during the crafting process, causing unconsciousness and 2d6 damage.
• 10% attack and defense bonuses to weapons and armour that were equipped at the time of crafting, but -10% on new weapons and armour.
• Lightness grants +10 speed.

linuxsurvival.com

This is a linux terminal tutorial, but in the style of a text based rpg.

Bazzite region of Linuxia

As you stumble upon the neon-lit realm of the gaming regions of Linuxia, an NPC tosses you a gleaming ISO volume of wisdom.

Bootable Amulet of Bazzite (Rare) => Frame Surge: Boosts performance by 15% of all inventory in the Wayland dimension. => Steam Incantation: Casts “Protonic assimilation” for all loot in unexplored dungeons (+2 compatibility). => Artifact of Immutability: Auto-repairs equipment after a dungeon raid. => Weakness - Package Curse: Outside the gaming regions, productivity wanes (-2 chances of legendary packages when opening chests).

Spell: Vulkan Forge (Uncommon) => Instantly summons Vulkan-powered rendering. => Can crit for +20 FPS, but may randomly glitch on older drivers (-1 stability).

Dungeon: Library of Protonic Lore => Encounter: Boss-level incompatible game. => Loot: XP towards seamless gaming or… disappointment (roll d20).

Will you flash, or roll a crash?