from Blaze@reddthat.com to science@mander.xyz on 22 Jun 2024 10:32
https://reddthat.com/post/21037204
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/…/jopy.12929
From the linked article:
Are all single people insecure? When we think about people who have been single for a long time, we may assume it’s because single people have insecurities that make it difficult for them to find a partner or maintain a relationship.
But is this true? Or can long-term single people also be secure and thriving?
Our latest research published in the Journal of Personality suggests they can. However, perhaps unsurprisingly, not everybody tends to thrive in singlehood. Our study shows a crucial factor may be a person’s attachment style.
Singlehood is on the rise
Singlehood is on the rise around the world. In Canada, single status among young adults aged 25 to 29 has increased from 32% in 1981 to 61% in 2021. The number of people living solo has increased from 1.7 million people in 1981 to 4.4 million in 2021.
At the same time, evidence suggests many single people are choosing to remain single and living happy lives.
Looking at our results more closely, we found four distinct subgroups of singles:
secure singles are relatively comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships (22%)
anxious singles question whether they are loved by others and worry about being rejected (37%)
avoidant singles are uncomfortable getting close to others and prioritise their independence (23% of younger singles and 11% of older long-term singles)
fearful singles have heightened anxiety about abandonment, but are simultaneously uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness (16% of younger singles and 28% of older long-term singles).
These findings should be considered alongside several relevant points. First, although most singles in our samples were insecure (78%), a sizeable number were secure and thriving (22%).
Further, simply being in a romantic relationship is not a panacea. Being in an unhappy relationship is linked to poorer life outcomes than being single.
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The title seems a bit misleading when 4/5 are unhappy
“Insecure” isn’t quite the same as “unhappy”, plus how many people in relationships are happy?
Also as it mentions, being with the wrong person is far worse than being alone.
Still, yeah that second sentence in the title is a bit disconnected from the first sentence, even if technically the truth.
Edit: this title is not the title of the article - interesting. That is just what was used here on Lemmy. The real title of the actual article is “Would you be happy as a long-term single? The answer may depend on your attachment style.”
The study falls short having no comparison to non-single people who are insecure. If the percentage of insecure non-single people is also 78% then being single has no impact on insecurity.
That comparison was apparently done previously.
Oh but I see what you mean - the “secure” sub-group(s) in this study would have strongly benefitted from that comparison yes. But it gets more complicated b/c the terms they chose to use aren’t really the English-meaning of those words like “secure”, but rather “low attachment-avoidance and low anxiety”, hence insecure isn’t a single category but three (anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant).
Anyway the comparison to non-singleness could be a future follow-up study:-).
“choosing” is a funny way to spell “gave up”.
But it’s an good start none the less. If you can find contentment slonez then you are ready for a serious relationship as well. Having yourself sorted is the best thing anyone can do for themselves to find lasting love.
FWBs are great. Wouldn’t give that up for a long term relationship.
Considering the lifescript tells people they are a failure if they are not paired off (and reproducing in the suburbs as a single income family, all unattainable goals these days), you do actually have to choose. It’s easier for a lot of people to have a string of bad relationships than “give up” as you put it, and nobody ever says “don’t date anymore!” Quite the opposite.
But at a certain point a person may realize the effort isn’t worth whatever nebulous “reward” supposedly comes from being paired off, because they can get all the same stuff from other social bonds. Then they choose to stop engaging, even passively, with the dating scene. (By passively, I mean they are no longer receptive to the idea of dating, even if the planets line up)
I see this as a very deliberate choice. It’s one I made for myself. It’s a harder choice for a lot of people because it means focusing on other relationships, building up the social circle you need to have your emotional needs met, and loving yourself as you are with no change needed to accommodate another. But it’s an equally valid choice all the same, especially when our species doesn’t do monogamy well at all, but does do social-support bonds very well.
It has nothing to do with learning to love yourself to be a better partner. People who have deliberately chosen to stay single don’t care if they are a good monogamy partner because that’s not what they are looking for, and they actively don’t want it if it does show up. Implying it is is like all those people who tell people that have chosen not to have kids “well you’ll change your mind!!” It’s dismissive of the decisions they made for themselves for reasons no-one else is privy to. And all those people who were told they’d change their mind about kids… didn’t change their mind, shockingly.
That’s an attempt to positively spin our growing incapability of creating and maintaining an intimate long-term relationship.
Wanting to be single sounds better than socially incompetent.
I’ve been single for 6 years and intend staying this way. I’ve had shit relationships and I don’t know anybody in a truly happy relationship.
I get to do what I want, when I want and don’t have to think about anybody else.
It isn’t because I’m socially incompetent, even though I’m a natural introvert I’ve had decades of socialising and am pretty damn good at talking to people and being a fake extrovert. I worked Apple retail where you have to be pretty outgoing to survive there and then moved to the Genius Bar where you need to be able to speak with angry customers.
Being single is just more fun for me and I’m not interested in having to care about someone else, for what I see as little benefit. Plus it’s hella expensive.
This is the general direction of my point.
You have more fun on your own. You’ve only had shit relationships. You’ve mastered faking social interactions. Congratulations! You’re socially inept.
Or in other words, you want it, but couldn’t have it, so you gave up on it and make due with superficial feel-good.
Whatever the reasons we might lie to ourselves with, the inability to form meaningful connections remains. Just don’t mistake giving up on it for the option not existing at all.
A mountain of conjecture here my friend.
Faking extroversion in work isn’t indicative of my whole life.
I’ve had decades being social with my large group of friends, and I quite enjoy socialising, it’s just as a natural introvert I might need more alone time as it can be tiring.
I never said all my relationships have been shit. Sometimes I’ve been the shit partner. And I haven’t given up, I’ve realised that what makes me happy is my current lifestyle and I don’t have to conform to what society believes is normal.
Perhaps you should take an introspective look at why you would write the previous comment and wonder if there is something in your own life that you’re projecting.
I would never come at someone for their choice of being in a relationship, an open relationship, or whatever unconventional thing they’re into as I respect people’s choices and I assume people are being honest with others as I was in my first comment.
Also, I never said I can’t form meaningful connections, I’ve a group of about 20 friends that I’ve had many since 25 years ago. I make new friends and we have a ball. Male and female alike.
Do you think that everybody single is just waiting for the right person? Do you not believe you can be happy single?
I absolutely believe we can be happy whether on our own in some form of relationship.
But my approached topic is about our ability to hold unto long-term relationships. If we could, i believe we would choose intimacy with another person over the peacefulness of solitude.
You say it’s tiring to be around other people and that’s fine, but objectively it’s still a personal failing. If you feel attacked, it’s because you also recognize it as such.
You’re happy where you are and it’s great, but isn’t it you’re making your happiness because you wouldn’t find it otherwise?
No.
I could leave my house right now, go and meet a girl, develop a long term relationship and I wouldn’t be happy. As it is not for everybody.
I get engrossed in my hobbies, and it’s not fair to put other people through that if I’m going to ignore them for a week because I decided I wanted to build a drone and obsess over it.
I don’t understand why you would think like you do. As if everybody on earth wants to be intimate with someone else and anybody that doesn’t is broken in some way.
Don’t confuse me being passionate about this topic as anger. I’m passionate because you’re fundamentally wrong and I don’t want other people seeing this, those who haven’t matured yet, and thinking they have to conform to what people like you believe as it’s simply not true.
I’ve said numerous times I don’t live in solitude. I finished work yesterday at 17:00 and was at my friends house with 6 others until 02:00. I woke up today, took a car for a test drive then went to town to join a protest and was chatting with many people. I’ve just been to my parents for dinner and I’m about to go to another friends with another 4 people. Just because I don’t want to live with someone or have an intimate relationship doesn’t mean I’m a recluse.
Perhaps your situation is different and you’re too socially inept to find someone, but don’t project that on to the rest of us. If you ever come to Manchester I’d love to socialise with you and show you around.
Okay. Thank you for clearing it up.
I dont think being single has anything to do with insecurities. I see so many shitty people in shitty relationships that I realized anybody can be in a relationship if they really wanted to. I would probably argue that toxic relationships are way more common than we think because people that constantly seek relationships are so afraid of being alone that they get into one without considering the cost.
I’ve hooked up here and there but I’ve essentially been single for six years now. Of course I crave intimacy but I would rather be alone than deal with someone’s bs. It’s hard finding someone that would make it worth it. At least someone that would like to be with me too.
Yep, that pretty much sums up the situation I was in while in a relationship and the situation I’m in now. Sometimes I look back on it through rose-tinted glasses before reminding myself that I’m much less stressed now.
I’m single because I don’t have time to be in a relationship. I barely have time to take care of myself.
All these comments about, "oh, but they just gave up or are socially incompetent". I'm in a happy relationship, but I also know that's not an easy find and can see the appeal of wanting to be single. All the freedom your granted when your single is a huge draw. I've missed out on those freedoms because I went into a long term relationship early in life and I feel like I would struggle if I were thrown into it suddenly. I'm happy for those who chose to be single and are happy for it. Good for them.
I can’t think of a single thing that I’d describe as a freedom I’m missing out on being married.
that’s it! It’s my choice and I’m totally not lonely
I’m totally open to being in a relationship with someone, but they would have to be one helluva person to make me want to give up being single!
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The increasingly atomized world will not be able to continue for much longer. I fear for what will come next.